


healing, one step at a time

by ifyouwannafindmegivemeashoutout



Category: Monsta X (Band), No.MERCY (TV)
Genre: Angst, Changkyun centric, Grooming, Hopeful Ending, Other, heavily implied self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-31
Updated: 2018-10-31
Packaged: 2019-08-11 14:16:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,566
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16477136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ifyouwannafindmegivemeashoutout/pseuds/ifyouwannafindmegivemeashoutout
Summary: "kids were supposed to be pure and innocent, that was why harm was bound to find them in one way or another. at least when it came to him."a story of the struggles and hardships lim changkyun has experienced through his 22 year long life and the endless things he wish he could forget.but his scars will fade with time.





	healing, one step at a time

**Author's Note:**

> tw for mentions of rape, implied self harm and underage exploitation (idk if this is the right word sorry)  
> nothing graphic but just to be safe

@%#$?: you’re right, i never wanted to believe that what i did affected you  
so i’m doing this because it’s the best for you

changkyun: you’re really leaving?

@%#$?: that’s what you want, isn’t it?

changkyun: i really don’t know..

@%#$?: see, you’re stalling

changkyun: no, honestly

@%#$?: are you done?  
can i go?

changkyun: yeah..

and so it was over, changkyun was alone. half a year later he’d managed to make himself delete the number which belonged to the one who he had been closest to for years. through thick and thin, they’d always stuck together even if it hurt like thorns. changkyun had been clinging to him since the day he was twelve.

he hated that he still wondered if the other person was doing well after all those times he’d hurt him. years later things would still remind changkyun of how much it all messed up his young mind. 

”what’s wrong, changkyun?” he’d once heard one of his members ask once they found him, curled up in bed and crying. unable to answer their question he just waved them off, convincing them to leave and then vowed to never let anyone find him like that again.

truth was changkyun didn’t cry a lot to begin with so it hadn’t been that hard to keep up. since everything had happened to him so long ago as well nobody ever questioned his quiet manners, that’s how he were since the first time the members met him after all. but not since forever.

because of his parents, changkyun moved around a lot as a young child but he was definitely just as happy-go-lucky as all the other kids. all he really wanted was to make friends and he hated farewells. due to all the moving he eventually developed a preference for online friends since he wouldn’t be forced to say goodbye to them as he inevitably left for another city.

he’d been too young to understand the danger of the internet when the two of them first met. when he met the one who would make him suffer alone and guilty for years. with every request the older male had given him changkyun obediently listened until one day it went too far.

of course changkyun knew something was wrong, that he shouldn’t have done any of the things he did. that he should have just blocked the other person when things first got out of hand. but he didn’t. because he didn’t understand.

with time they got so close that changkyun became too scared to live without them. yes, maybe he’d be too preoccupied to listen to his friends in school because of his endless worries. because he’d be drowning in guilt. but no, he still couldn’t let them go.

because changkyun had told him everything. all the bad feelings that built up from that disgusting beginning of their relationship broke him down time and time again. but who could he tell?

his parents would be so disappointed. his friends would judge him and think he was just stupid. it was his own fault after all. he never stopped it, not until it was too late. he let himself be persuaded more than once. so he should take the blame for it.

he tried to explain it. how it hurt. how they should just forget it and be normal friends. happy together. all he gained was a half-assed apology but at least they were friends, right? they were happy.

until it broke him down again.

and again.

it all just went around in circles.

he’d distance himself but in the end it became too heavy to bear alone, so he returned. it was killing him. why were they still talking? 

_because he had nobody else._ and he knew that.

every day it felt as if changkyun was drowning. unable to go outside alone without hundreds of bad thoughts filling his head and wearing him out. he couldn’t take a shower without feeling exhausted afterward, wondering every day why he hadn’t gathered up the courage to see a professional yet. but they’d probably just tell him to cut off contact. he couldn’t.

the young boy needed a distraction at all times, whether that be music, writing, friends (even if he was half present in their company), he just needed something other than the quiet. anything. 

for too long he thought all he could do was depend on _him_.

 

“what are your thoughts on grooming and sending pictures of yourself to others?”

up until this point the teacher had been the only one talking and the class had been showed a movie where several kids talked about their experiences.

changkyun felt his heart squeeze inside his chest. he hated this. 

“it’s horrible.. but i mean, why would you send them something to begin with?”

 _”great question, i’ve been asking myself the same thing for three years.”_ oh, if only he could say that out loud and honestly.

“i don’t think they ever thought through what exactly it was that they were doing.. even if they thought it didn’t matter at that moment they should have considered how much they could regret it in the future.”

“well, i guess.. it’s still kind of stupid, though.”

 _damn, right it is._ changkyun cursed himself for feeling a knot grow in his throat, giving up on the discussion and watching the minutes ticking away way too slow. he just wanted to run out of the school. 

sure, education about this was very important- but way too late on his part. he felt like throwing up. the room was full of students wondering who would ever do anything of the like. and there he was, one the middle row- swearing that if he let himself start crying right there he’d actually jump off a roof.

he couldn’t live if anyone else knew.

 

the clock was 12:30. changkyun had to get up in six hours but instead of sleeping he was bawling his eyes out, his heart racing in his chest.

changkyun: so if you ever leave  
please  
please don’t show any of my pictures  
don’t talk about me with anyone else  
i won’t tell anyone else about you either, okay?

@%#$?: changkyun  
seriously

changkyun: are you mad?

@%#$?: no, i’m disappointed in you

changkyun: i’m sorry

@%#$?: i’m disappointed that you think i’d do something like that  
don’t you trust me after all this time?

changkyun: i do i’m sorry

@%#$?: stop apologizing

they’d always have conversations like this from time to time and the day after everything was back to normal. changkyun didn’t know what to do. every day he was driven crazier and crazier and closer to an edge he didn’t know existed before. 

because of how close they were he’d isolated himself from other people as well. if someone asked him to be friends he’d panic, trust issues making him afraid they’d want him for anything other than his personality.

 

changkyun: i just want an apology  


@%#$?: i swear to god if you're actually calling me a cyber rapist or any of that shit i’m leaving  
don’t you dare try telling me that’s what you think i did to you

 

changkyun once met an older woman online too. she was a singer and had quite a following which excited the young boy. she gave him lots of opportunities to help her with work from the other side of his screen and he never had any objections. due to all the things that were happening to him he got quickly burned out though and sincerely apologized when he had to decline a project from her. she seemed to understand and changkyun was so happy that they could still be normal friends.

that was until she started sending him songs. very explicit ones. he didn’t know what she was trying to tell him so he tried his hardest to just ignore it. 

?%$@#: oh, changkyun! innocent as always i see

changkyun: yes, haha

eventually she said it straight out- that she liked him. they had never actually called and she didn’t know that he was only fourteen at the time. he told her sorry. but they could still be friends, right?

 

changkyun hated how naive his mentality used to be. but kids were supposed to be pure and innocent, that was why harm was bound to find them in one way or another. at least when it came to him.

when changkyun felt bad he wrote, trying to release whatever pain it was that he was experiencing through the tips of his fingers. eventually it became more than just a method of venting and changkyun realized that he could actually do something with this, with all the hurt. he wanted to become a rapper. no matter how he twisted and turned the idea of following his father’s footsteps as a scientist it just didn’t work out.

he’d give everything for his rap.

 

once changkyun was fifteen he couldn’t take it anymore. they cut off contact and then he was all by himself. after all the years of having someone so close to him there was suddenly nobody. but it was okay, he didn’t feel anything. he should be glad that they were gone- all they did was hurt him, after all. he should just focus on his rap. 

and so he did.

when nu’bulity was disbanded changkyun’s whole world fell in pieces. 

he’d trained so hard for so long. he thought that all the hardships were finally over- that he had nothing more to lose.

suddenly everything started hurting again. he was still alone, there was no one. some days he couldn’t tell the pain on the inside apart from the pain of the scars that eventually started covering parts of his body.

he still couldn’t take a shower without his thoughts eating alive and now the wounds stung as well.

he was all by himself. but he still had his rap. he was okay. he had to be.

 

then no.mercy came. when changkyun had accepted the offer for the show he had no idea that things would turn out the way they did. that all that would welcome him was cold stares and sharp words. 

there was no friend in sight here either but he’d always been alone. since the day he was fifteen. it was better that way, other people only hurt him after all. 

“better be alone” he thought. he still had his rap. so he was okay.

 

when changkyun was announced as a final member of monsta x he didn’t feel any of that happiness or accomplishment he expected to feel. he’d worked so hard for this day, the day he would be granted a chance to debut with his rap. the day people would start acknowledging him for his skills, the day they wouldn’t torment him with their words anymore.

but he felt emptier than ever and sick to his stomach as he made his way up to stand next to the other confirmed members.

why did he even care that everyone hated him? that’s how it had always been, hadn’t it? he should just expect it to be that way. this was work and he had finally gotten a chance to do the only thing he loved. he was okay.

 

things were very awkward at first, changkyun felt it through his bones. the other members didn’t know what to do now that he’d taken one of the spots in the team. 

to begin with they were more preoccupied with practicing for their debut but as things calmed down changkyun noticed a change. their harsh expressions lessened around him. but why?

hyunwoo, hoseok, minhyuk, kihyun, hyungwon, jooheon. they all actually tried talking to him now. they didn’t look as if they wouldn’t hesitate to spit in his face if they got the chance to anymore. why?

why? why? why?

since the day changkyun turned fifteen he didn’t know anything other than rap anymore, not even himself. but at least he didn’t hurt anymore. honestly changkyun didn’t know if it was better to be empty, though.

he tried to mimic the others, acting friendly- he had to since he was the youngest. unless someone spoke to him directly he was still very quiet, though. the other members were lucky if they got to see him throw a smile or hear his laugh. 

even then, the majority of them were fake but they didn’t need to know that. if his supposed happiness made them feel good he’d give it to them. he didn’t want to be a bad person after all. he was sick of that.

 

_nausea._

changkyun tried to act as if nothing was bothering him. half of the members where sleeping in their car seets as the news of yet another rape victim left the car radio.

he wished he was asleep, that he didn’t have to hear the words that struck him so hard. that he couldn’t relate to the words she said. that he could forget what happened so many years ago. he hated himself for not being able to let it go. he hadn’t even been sexually assaulted physically, but unlucky online. did he really have any right to still feel bad over it when others had gone through so much worse?

changkyun wove down the car window, leaning his head out. the air carried an unpleasant smell but he couldn’t care less. if only he could just escape up and above those clouds, disappear completely.

 

years went by and changkyun still struggled to forget. he pretended not to hear nor see anything that could remind him of what happened to him even though it was impossible. he pretended it wasn’t hard to get used to fans screaming at any tiny reveal of his body. he pretended that he wasn’t jealous of how confidently wonho and shownu could rip off their shirts without thinking they might regret it a year later.

changkyun understood though, because they’d never experienced the dark side of what showing off your body could do to you. they had never gone through the things he did. changkyun pretended that he had never been jealous over that.

 

the youngest had actually never had any problems with his looks until others started commenting on it. even if it was positive things, it was usually from someone he didn’t want to hear it from.

it was disgusting. until he learned that he could be appreciated in a healthy way that didn’t actually hurt. that he could be loved by hundreds and thousands of people.

 

sometimes he just couldn’t help but wonder how he got himself in all this trouble.

how would his life have looked if he had been like normal kids, with normal friends and normal experiences? if he’d never moved away from south korea and never visited those american chatting sites? would harm have found him anyway? would he ever have clung to rap the way he had so desperately done for all these years? would he have less trouble speaking his mind?

no amount of what if’s could change the past though, and changkyun knew that very well. sometimes he just wished they could.

 

some days he wasn’t sure if he could stand on stage. he felt so disgusted with himself, that he still hadn’t gotten over it all and that he couldn’t erase the scars on his body. he was just glad they were in places nobody would see unless he wanted them to. he didn’t.

until something changed in changkyun. it hadn’t taken as long as he’d thought it would to get closer to the members of monsta x. it only took a bit longer to realize he was actually having fun. and a little more to realize it was because of them. he didn’t want to lie anymore, he wanted to tell them, to show them everything he hadn’t.

but it was hard. it took so long to figure it out, for months everything laid at the tip of his tongue. he just needed that push to take the biggest step of his life after cutting that person off. or maybe this time it was more like a leap.

 

_black grease_  
_it won’t come off, it’s like you_  
_it’s on your white shirt_  
_all over_  
_it even feels dirty (dirty)_  
_yeah it’s like you_  
_disgustingly spread out_  
_meeting eyes with you was my fault_  
_it’s my fault that  
_i didn’t know about myself_ _

__

_i want to clean it up (clean it up)_  
_i want to fix it up (fix it up)_  
_let’s say this never happened  
_let’s say this never happened_ _

__

_throwing away my memories_  
_throwing away everything you gave me_  
_because it’s already been long since it lost meaning_  
_now go away, cuz i wanna erase you, go away_  
_throwing away my memories_  
_throwing away everything you gave me_  
_because it’s already been long since it lost meaning  
_now go away, cuz i wanna erase you, go away_ _

__

_i did nothing wrong_  
_if I had to choose_  
_it’s that i got to know you_  
_i was crazy_  
_i tried to make things right_  
_but what’s so good about you?_  
_what do i have to lose?  
_after i met you, i only regret_ _

_if i had the chance_  
_to erase it all_  
_i wish i could beg the kids who know you_  
_so i don’t have to know you anymore_  
_crazy, crazy_  
_i was crazy  
_i want to turn it all back_ _

_i want to clean it up (clean it up)_  
_i want to fix it up (fix it up)_  
_let’s say this never happened  
_let’s say this never happened_ _

_throwing away my memories_  
_throwing away everything you gave me_  
_because it’s already been long since it lost meaning_  
_now go away, cuz i wanna erase you, go away_  
_throwing away my memories_  
_throwing away everything you gave me_  
_because it’s already been long since it lost meaning  
_now go away, cuz i wanna erase you, go away_ _

_i know i know i know_  
_i know i know i know_  
_i don’t need the memories you gave me_  
_it’s been a while since even the attachment went away  
_gotta be alone better be alone_ _

_throwing away my memories_  
_throwing away everything you gave me_  
_because it’s already been long since it lost meaning_  
_now go away, cuz I wanna erase you, go away_  
_throwing away my memories_  
_throwing away everything you gave me_  
_because it’s already been long since it lost meaning  
_now go away, cuz i wanna erase you, go away_ _

lim changkyun. now 22 years old. never had he cried this hard since the day he turned fifteen. never had he heard a song which had described his experience so perfectly, which made him feel as if there was nothing more left to be said. not even his own lyrics had been able to make him feel this way.

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

he had never told anyone about everything that happened still, as the year had turned from 2009, 2010, to 2018. he realized now just how badly he dealt with everything. ending the hurt by finally saying goodbye to that person, but also leaving so many of his emotions behind.

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

he was sitting alone in his room, just hoping none of the members would walk in on him again. he couldn’t deal with that right now. but he knew he had to. this was the best opportunity the world would ever give him to tell all of them straight. 

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

the room felt so big to the boy who sat at the side of his bed with his face covered by shaking hands. it was all over since long ago and he would finally take the first step to healing by being honest. finally.

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

the next day changkyun knew the anxiety would only build up if he waited longer so he asked all the members of monsta x to gather together and he weakly swallowed back the tears as he played the song again in front of all of them. at first they didn’t seem to understand the situation, confusion evident on their faces. but as changkyun finally couldn’t hold the tears back anymore it clicked.

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

he quickly showed them a few paled scars, but couldn’t look at them himself.

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

they didn’t need to understand what exactly he’d gone through. they didn’t need to know about _him_. they didn’t need to know about _her_. they just had to understand that he’d been hurt, that it’d been so hard. that he’d thought about giving up endless times. that he’d been all alone until he met them.

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

no more words were needed for them to do just that.

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

wonho and jooheon were the first to get up and wrap their arms around the youngest, but soon enough all of them were hugging and changkyun was sure he could hear sniffling from someone that wasn’t himself.

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

the following days the other members were all more considerate and careful than usual which warmed the youngest heart. he appreciated that they didn’t ask any questions, understanding he’d tell them directly if there was anything more he wanted to say.

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

he really appreciated that he had them all by his side now because he wasn’t alone and he was more than okay.

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

they were all there for him to lean on, hyunwoo, hoseok, minhyuk, kihyun, hyungwon and jooheon. and they were there to watch him heal.

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

one small step at a time.

__________ _ _ _ _ _ _

**Author's Note:**

> this is pretty much my own story, merged with changkyun's life and some completely made up things.  
> in other words: this is very personal and a lot of it told exactly from my own experiences,,, i just hope i don't regret writing this later haha  
> it was a very impulsive decision even though i've been considering it for a while  
> i think the reason i wanted to vent this all out like this is because i feel a very special connection to changkyun,,  
> i also moved around as a kid and out mannerism in general is kinda similar  
> i just love him a lot i guess..  
> the song i used is jonghyun's "grease" which is honestly the song i've related to the most in my entire life
> 
> i'm very sorry for all this angst but i hope you enjoyed it still ?? (i also wasn't ever to make all the lyrics italic for whatever reason)  
>  no need to worry about me btw i'm pretty much over everything !!  
> i'd love to hear your thoughts if you have any in the comments below and please don't be afraid to give me feedback just because this story is personal to me !! it would actually just mean a lot  
> thank you <3


End file.
